And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
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How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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