my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My vagina just recognized that song.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
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All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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