I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
