I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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