I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
