Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she peed on how many people?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
