I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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