The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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