I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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