Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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