The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
