Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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