I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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