I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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