she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
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At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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