i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
