I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"