I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
