The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
