Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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