I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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