i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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