There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
