i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
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Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize