you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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