On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
