she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
