You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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