im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My hand turned me down
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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