So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
