I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
