My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
