I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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