He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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