I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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