That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
