I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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