If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
