So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
