Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
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Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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