she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
