My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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