that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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