I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
