probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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