i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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