I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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