Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
