I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
