I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
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Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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