someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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