At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
