dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
