I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
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