I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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