i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
