Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
