apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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