There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
