Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize