The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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