the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
FUCK WHALES
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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