soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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